Emotional journey
If you are in a relationship, it won't just be you that's been feeling the effects - the chances are your partner has been suffering too.
Studies have shown that partners can feel unattractive, rejected or even guilty. That's why ED is sometimes referred to as a couple's problem.
So if your doctor prescribes you an erectile dysfunction treatment you could both be starting a new sexual chapter in your life. And obviously this demands a bit of patience and a bit of practice.
As with all sexual health issues, it's important you talk to your partner, and share your feelings (your partner is probably as nervous as you are). For some men, we appreciate this can be difficult. Re-establishing intimate contact may take time, particularly if this side of your relationship has been absent for a long period. However this is critical to the success of any treatment.
Talk about it
Although ED is very common, it’s easy to feel you’re all alone with it, simply because it’s not something people tend to talk about.
But if you can bring yourself to talk over your worries with your partner, you may find it makes a big difference to your feelings of isolation – and may even help you to overcome the problem.
What’s more, if you don’t talk to your partner about your ED, they are likely to feel you no longer fancy them. They may think that you’re having an affair and may even decide they want out of the relationship. So take the plunge even if talking about such things doesn’t come naturally to you. Tell your partner that you know there are treatments to help you regain your full sexual functioning and that you’ll need their support in setting things straight.
You can get help from:
Tips for talking with your partner
Before broaching the subject of your ED, have a look at some handy hints on raising difficult issues with your partner.
- Choose the right time and place to discuss this subject where you can be sure of having privacy – perhaps when you’re going for a walk together.
- Be frank about your feelings and how your ED is affecting you.
- Bear in mind that you’re ED will seem much more serious to you than to your partner – who may simply take it in their stride.
- Discuss ways of being intimate and of sexually satisfying each other without penetration while you are waiting to get treatment.
- Remind yourself and your partner that ED is a common health problem and as such you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it. Tell yourself you can feel comfortable discussing it with the person closest to you.
Rebuilding intimacy
If you want to regain your intimacy with your partner, it helps if you make a genuine commitment to try.
So put the phone on silent, turn off the computer, leave work behind and take the time to be with each other. Save external distractions like work, or finances, or whatever else, for another day – especially in the early moments when you are still getting used to how your treatment works. And try not to talk about the problem before attempting sex as it might create emotional distance between the two of you.
After treatment has been prescribed, give some thought as to how you and your partner can integrate it into your sex-life. Find out how long it will take to work, and you can still be spontaneous and act on your libido.
If you are not in a relationship
If you are single, an erection problem may affect your confidence and your ability to form new relationships. Like any men's health, or sexual health issue, you may find it embarrassing and difficult to talk about. What if a new partner doesn't sympathise with your condition? The thoughts can weigh heavy in your head.
Talking to your doctor could help. They will treat your situation seriously whether you are in a relationship or not.
Relax
Finding ways to relax and stay positive can make a big difference to how you cope with your condition. See some ideas you might want to try in our six steps to stress-busting.
- Treat your body with respect by making a special effort to eat properly and get enough sleep. Doing some exercise can also make you feel better about yourself and give you a more positive outlook on life.
- Go easy on the stimulants like alcohol, caffeine and tobacco. These may provide short-term pleasure, but in the longer term they will make you feel even worse.
- When it comes to sex, try not to think of it as a test of personal prowess. Instead, focus on lovemaking and giving pleasure rather than just sex. This will take the pressure off your performance.
- Experiment with relaxation techniques. Many people find meditation and visualisation techniques extremely relaxing, and puts them in a positive frame of mind. For more information on meditation visit www.metta.org.uk/meditate. A good way to start is to buy a relaxation tape or CD. These are widely available from book or music shops. To a background of relaxing, unobtrusive music, you will be encouraged to relax your body slowly, and then focus on relaxing and positive thoughts.
- Indulge yourself now and then. Going for a massage can help you relax, release stored up tension and make you feel better about your life.
- If you’re feeling anxious and you can’t shake off the anxiety, or if you think you might be suffering from depression, speak to your doctor who may be able to suggest solutions.
Sleep well
Getting a good night's sleep can do wonders for your feeling of wellbeing. This can, however, be easier said than done. But it’s worth tackling the problem, not least because if you can't sleep properly, your sexual problems may seem a lot harder to put up with.
If you're struggling to drop off to sleep, or find that you're waking up in the middle of the night, try our tips for a good night’s kip.
- Steer clear of stimulants such as caffeine (including chocolate), alcohol and tobacco in the evening. These will stimulate your nervous system and make it hard for you to drop off.
- Check your non-prescription medicines as these may contain caffeine or another substance called pseudoephedrine, which will keep you awake.
- Get some exercise to ease stress and help you relax, so you don't lie there worrying about things when you should be asleep.
- Relaxation and breathing techniques can be beneficial, helping you to let go of anxieties that may prevent you from falling asleep.
- If you still can't get to sleep, it may be worth talking to your doctor or practice nurse, as it could be a sign of another medical problem.
My partner has erectile dysfunction
If you're the partner of a man with an erection problem and you don't know what to do, then the most important word to remember is ‘talk'. It is important that you talk to each other, as good communication in your relationship will be essential in resolving the problem. But even more important is that you encourage your partner to talk to the doctor.
This is the only way of finding out what's causing the problem and finding a suitable treatment.
As ED affects both of you, it can be helpful if you go to the appointment together so that you can discuss the problem as a couple. This will also give you the opportunity to discuss your own concerns, expectations and questions with the doctor. The importance of your involvement at all stages in the management of ED should not be underestimated.
Your support is important in helping your partner to commit to his treatment. If you show him ongoing support, he may be more likely to stick at it and not lose enthusiasm.